Clueless
June 15, 2010
Wanna know a secret? I have no idea what I’m doing. About anything.
I’m feeling a little lost. Very tired. Not entirely sure where I’m going with pretty much anything. SIGH.
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On not reaching out and not drawing the line
April 22, 2010
In parallel to the gradual transition I’ve taken from trainee to full physician, the workload has crept up on me. First it was a hectic January. After that, when I thought things would be light again, I realized things would continue to be hectic until early June. Now I realize things will continue to be hectic until October. Which basically means - it’ll never be “light” again.
Work has been overwhelming. Lots of air travel, lots of going to one place or another for one thing or another. Things that absolutely need to get done now. Things that need to get done soon. Things that should get done eventually. And the daily things that pop up demanding immediate attention. And then the downright mundane things I’m not responsible for, that still happen to require my immediate attention. I need to start reminding myself again to focus on what is “important”, and not just on what is “urgent”. And I need to stop being so freaking available to everyone at moment’s notice.
Conferences are always overwhelming. Last week was no less so. It’s left me feeling quite out of sorts this week. Disoriented. I came back to work with a comfortable schedule of things to do. Then discovered over the days that there was way more than I had planned. And the comfortable schedule of things to get done by Friday… won’t get done by Friday. It’s stressful and irritating.
I’ve not any weekends to myself. Perhaps should have realized this in scheduling my life, but it all looked so OPEN when it started. Now I’ve not a free weekend for 5 weeks in a row. And what do I do with the free weekends? Guqin classes. If it isn’t one thing to do, it’s another. At this point, I’ve not a truly free weekend until mid-June. And I bet it’ll book up soon. This week I’ve been studying my schedule. I need a vacation NOW. Not in 3 months.
All this aside, this is not why I started this blog entry. Today I discovered my cousin’s blog. He started it to help him cope with his wife’s breast cancer. It’s a cousin that I never really got to know well. Among the many that were just a lot older than me, so I was always too young to have much to converse about. As a kid I was pretty quiet. Developed a reputation with the family as someone who just didn’t get too close. I kinda hid behind my parents emotionally, and never really got to know any of them. Conversely, they never really tried to get to know me either. But the result is that, the people who should know me best have entirely inaccurate ideas of what I’m like, and who I am. And after decades of misconception, it’s hard to go changing their minds. They don’t think I care that much. Perhaps they don’t care that much either.
Since I heard about his wife’s cancer diagnosis, I’ve thought a lot about them. Sent my prayers out to them. But never spoke to them. Partly my old pattern of not reaching out to them. Partly just that I didn’t know them too well, and felt awkward approaching them now. Especially since we live so far away anyway. I read his blog tonight. I never got to know this side of him. It makes me wish I knew him better. He seems like a sweet and genuine guy. But at this point, I just don’t know how to reach out. What can I do anyway, aside from spewing out complacencies?
Anyway, massively overbooked day tomorrow. Mostly things that were outside of my control. I really need to start drawing the line somewhere. Meanwhile, must rest up…
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New Year
February 10, 2010
I’ve always had in my head that the new year began with the lunar calendar. The fresh start and resolutions somehow worked better in my head with the lunar year. January has been stressful. And I’ve not been myself most of the last lunar year. I tried to reboot over the summer, thought things were better, and then they unravelled again in October. So I am really looking forward to a fresh start. A reboot. Letting go of baggage that doesn’t belong to me. Getting back on track. It’s not that things have been going badly. By any measure, things have been going great. It’s just the vibe in my head has been off. I’ve been stressing on things that just aren’t worth stressing over.
I’m going to end the year by going on a day trip with some friends. Then I’m going to leave the negativity out there. Wake up Sunday morning, and jump back on the wagon. Re-focus.
This will be the year when Things Will Happen.
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Only thing that matters
January 19, 2010
It took a long time, many years, for me to finally understand that nothing in this world really matters aside from the people you care about. And now that I have finally figured out this truth, it hurts me so much that I keep finding myself caring about people who don’t appreciate this.
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“Home” for the “holidays”
December 18, 2009
As the time to go home for the holidays approaches, I find myself feeling ambivalent about things this year. This sentiment is apparently multifactorial.
First of all, I’m starting to feel like this is home now and I don’t want it to change. I like my apartment and am comfortable with it. I really like my neighbourhood and everything I can do around here. I have good friends here. Meanwhile, back “home” no longer feels like home. It’s still my room, but with me gone my parents have gone ahead and moved things around a little to fix around the house. It’s gone in somewhat of a hibernation mode. Plus all the things I like that were in it, I’ve taken here. Despite this, my good friends here are slowly leaving, even from here. One already moved back to Germany. Another is moving to Canada this holiday. Another is back in Spain for vacation, but will soon be going home also in half a year. I don’t want them to go.
Second of all, with the prospect of job searching and interviews in the next while, I’ve come to realize I’m not ready to move on, not mentally in the place where I can convince myself to get excited about leaving this city and start something new. It’s like I’ve only just gotten here. Don’t take me wrong, my plan is certainly to move again. It just feels so early to be even thinking about it, when I’m only just starting to get used to this place.
Finally, work has gotten so busy that there’s a lot of things I actually have no choice but to work on / finish this holiday. Manuscripts. Talks. Documents. They need to be ready the moment I get back. So really it isn’t going to be much of a holiday.
So what is it? It’ll be me, in a place where I no longer feel comfortable, trying to get things done. Knowing that I’m using up precious vacation days to basically go to a different city and do work. Knowing that I’d rather be spending it somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else.
Perhaps it’ll all make sense when I get back there. I do have friends and family I want to see.
Merry Christmas.
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Wonder
December 14, 2009
Sometimes I wonder if you still read this… and how you are doing…
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Good thing
December 3, 2009
Why is it that they can’t see a good thing even though they are staring it in the face?
Men make absolutely no sense to me. Less so every day.
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Sign
November 2, 2009
It seems that perhaps there is a big sign on my forehead that says, “Free emotional intimacy here! No commitment required.” What do these fuckers take me for?
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Caveats
October 30, 2009
It’s been a pretty successful week on paper. If I wrote it all out in a factual sense, the only thing wrong is my sprained ankle. Work and personal life would seem to be going pretty well. Pretty amazingly actually. And yet there is a disconnect, and I’m feeling melancholic again.
The sprained ankle is leaving me very restless. I am frustrated that I can’t exercise. Can’t do my ballet bootcamp class. Can’t go running. Can’t go hiking. I’m also frustrated that I can’t go out dancing this weekend with friends. The ankle just won’t take being upright for long intervals. In fact I still can’t completely put my foot down on the ground to bear weight.
And then when you go further into the details of these very positive factual things, there’s all these and caveats. Everything that’s going well is basically, “going well except that…” And I’m not just exaggerating this out of my internal misery or something. Everything really does have a huge caveat. And it’s the caveats that are making me feel sad.
Doesn’t help that someone is throwing a big party tonight on the back street.
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Friends
October 26, 2009
You know that old addage, “A friend in need is a friend indeed”? That has gotten me a bit upset today.
Since I sprained my ankle on Saturday, going to the opera hurt like crap. I was walking on it, but really shouldn’t have been. Sunday, was supposed to go downtown with a friend and had to change plans and just hang out at my place. Today had to work from my bed, because really still can’t put my foot down enough to negotiate the stairs out of my building. Hobbling/hopping around to do things.
Two of the friends I would consider closest at this time asked me on chat if I needed anything. I asked if they’d come over and I assumed they both would at certain times.
I dunno, maybe I am being nitpicky. But I’m feeling more and more annoyed in general. I generally pull an independent front, so maybe when I say I need something, I’m not very convincing about it. First I was a bit annoyed at cooking dinner last night. But at least he brought me some essential groceries I asked for. But neither friends came over. Both were too busy. One I understand because she is recovering from mono and is tired herself. The other I call my best friend. She had things to finish tonight. Including things she had to ask me over chat. But she didn’t have time to walk 3 minutes to get over to my place after work. This, compared to this other friend who came in from half an hour away and spent 8.5 hours with me that I really just met a month ago.
She says, she saw me on Saturday and will see me tomorrow in class. Yeah. After I force myself to walk on this ankle to get to class on the other side of the city. Will I do it? Yes. Does this mean I am fine? No.
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